A friend asked me why I don’t blog. Before replying to her question I noted ‘hey, this is something you’ve asked yourself before and not ever answered’. So before replying to her, I took a breath and I asked myself that big bad WHY question. Which goes unanswered as most times tied to FEAR. I acknowledged this to myself and my reply to her was ‘that is a great question, one I’ve asked myself before and avoided answering until now’. Thank you for asking the question. I’m going to go sit with this and make a choice – to blog or not to blog. If you’re reading this then (big gulp of air) I’ve made the choice and decided to jump naked in the deep end with my fears. I won’t list all of the waves of emotion that flooded and engulfed me as the cold water wrapped tightly around my body. I could tell of the fears that surfaced, the shame, and the areas in me that were ‘shut down’/closed off that screamed to be heard. The beliefs that pushed to be felt first as cold slaps and the constant chatter that supports them waves that want to crash over me. I didn’t ask them to go away, I didn’t kick fiercely treading back to ‘shore’ and the safety of not hitting the publish button. But decided to face them head on knowing each blog will present new waters, some I know as familiar friends, some I choose to ignore, others I have stuffed deep and don’t even remember creating. All waves of my ocean ebbing and flowing in the sea of my life. Choosing to jump in these waters feels good for 2017 and I welcome the challenge of sharing the ‘life boat’ that I’ve created to support myself as I navigate it all.
I’ve decided to let this first blog be whatever it wants to be. Knowing that I will not judge myself for the words that flow out. I’ll listen as the thoughts jump up as fears; who’s going to read this?; you can’t write; you were horrible in English class in high school; your words are jumbled; who are you to think you can connect to others through your writing; that what you have to say has value. These threads of thoughts keep unraveling and moving like the pounding fury of the waves as they crash to shore. The difference being before I would stop and try and answer and justify each of these waves. Now I smile and sit in each of them totally imperfect knowing they are all just fears. And that I would see as strength in someone else in confronting and welcoming these fears in finding ways to heal them. So now I choose to see them as strength in me and sharing my moments with all of you.
I’ve decided to do some math (yes, math and I are the best and worst of friends! A relationship that I’ve been working at all my life – so here goes!) There are 52 weeks in a year and I believe that I can share 52 of my experiences in life with you here in this blog. Since it’s the 23rd of January it is already the 4th week and I will only need 49 experiences. Yes, my fingers were used to do this math as well as they were crossed as I wrote the final calculation of 49 as the answer. Man, some of these beliefs are deeply rooted and just pop up whenever they want.
I’m blessed to have walked 46 years on this earth so far. I believe that in this lifetime I’ve chosen to walk my path with love, compassion and grace while learning as much as I can regardless of the pains involved in that learning. It doesn’t always come easy, and sometimes it doesn’t come at all until another lesson shows up. The underlying belief that has kept me growing and learning is the ability to be grateful for all the lessons. To find that silver lining when I’m on ‘top of the mountain’ as well as when I’m in the ‘deepest darkest hole’. Through the victories, the defeats and the buzz of everyday life, it’s finding the silver lining, the thread of connection that makes me smile wholeheartedly.
So to answer the question that this post started with – I’m making the choice TO BLOG. Bring it on! Here’s to being ‘naked’ swimming with me another 48 times this year! May the force of the wind be with us, the purity of spirit run through my fingers, the ebb and flow of the waters guide us and unconditional love and grace wrap around the moments we spend here together. With that a big exhale and a push of the “publish” button. Mahalo nui loa (roughly translated from Hawaiian to mean thank you very much) for your time, may you share a moment and smile with me. xxoo